"Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats." (Howard Aiken)
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All polar bears are left handed.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.
Cat's urine glows under a black light. (So does Ringworm)
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Now THIS is pitiful... Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any pants.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one of her feet.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 1930's lobbied against hemp farmers they saw it as competition.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
Starfish haven't got brains.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they started with.
The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan."
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
If you pass gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over..[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever-so far so good.
Borrow money from a pessimist-they don't expect it back.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mind like a steel trap-rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria-they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard (or not enough chlorine).
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous-tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Murphy's Technology Laws Murphy's Technology Law #1:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Murphy's Technology Law #2:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with
confidence.
Murphy's Technology Law #3:
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not
understand.
Murphy's Technology Law #4:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then
the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Murphy's Technology Law #5:
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until
he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Murphy's Technology Law #6:
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll
believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to
touch to be sure.
Murphy's Technology Law #7:
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Murphy's Technology Law #8:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Murphy's Technology Law #9:
All's well that ends... period.
Murphy's Technology Law #10:
A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.
Murphy's Technology Law #11:
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Murphy's Technology Law #12:
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
Murphy's Technology Law #13:
New systems generate new problems.
Murphy's Technology Law #14:
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Murphy's Technology Law #15:
We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.
Murphy's Technology Law #16:
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Murphy's Technology Law #17:
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working
20 years make.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to inflate your date!
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Out of my mind..Back in five minutes
Hang up and drive.
Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Boldly going nowhere
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
The proctologist called, they found your head.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Just because your head is pointed, doesn't mean you're sharp.
Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?
Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me".
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you.
The following are some "Important Things I've Learned From Kids" (author unknown):
It's more fun to color outside the lines.
If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
Ask why until you understand.
Hang on tight.
Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
Make up the rules as you go along.
It doesn't matter who started it.
Ask for sprinkles.
If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
Save a place in line for your friends.
Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
Making your bed is a waste of time.
There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.
You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand. [Paul Black from NIST notes: aftereffects, desegregates, reverberates, proprietor and repertoire!]
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.
The continents names all end with the same letter with which they start.
The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000 and a size 108.7 acres.
Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world?
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
No president of the United States was an only child.
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' --Larry Miller
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." --Christopher Case
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." --Jake Johansen
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." --Dick Cavett
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." --Jack Mayberry
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." --Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" --Rita Rudner
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David Letterman
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." --Jay Leno
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'" --Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner."
"The trouble with people is not that they don't know but that they know so much that ain't so." -- Josh Billings, 1818-1885.
"To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer." - Farmers' Almanac, 1978
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it is downright natural.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
When you need to send an email quick, that's when the modem won't connect!
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.
Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
Never try to teach a pig manners. It will frustrate you and it annoys the pig.
I can please only one person per day and today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do.
If swimming is good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate!
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life: Never tell everything you know.
I'd explain it to you but your brain would explode.
Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Every dog has his day and you missed yours.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
How did people look busy at work before computers?
I hear voices in my head that don't speak my language.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
False hope is better than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...
If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
Would the Standing Committee please sit down?
43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Madness takes its toll; please have exact change...
It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.
For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.
Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.
Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
|||||||\\\\____ The domino effect at work.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!
Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you!
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. IT GOES ON.
Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Somedays you're the bug, and some days the windshield.
There are two things to aim at in life: first to get what you want and, after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second.
There is no right way to do the wrong thing.
The best vitamin for making friends: B1.
Knowledge is like a garden; if it is not cultivated, it cannot be harvested.
If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Am I getting smart with you? ... How would you know?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
My Reality Check bounced.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. --Dykstra
O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say?
You'll never be the man your mother was!
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. --Elizabeth Taylor
Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. --Time Bandits
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
O'Reilly's law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Lieberman's law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Denniston's law: Virtue is its own punishment.
Gold's law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
Conway's law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
Finster's law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Lynch's law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Muir's law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
Glyme's formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
Mason's first law of synergism: The one day you'd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
Hanlon's razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Handy guide to modern science: If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.Green's law of debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Stewart's law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
First rule of history: History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
Oliver's law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Harrison's postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Knowledge without insight is like a horse in the library.
Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better. --Richard Hooker
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Some people reach the top of the ladder of success only to find it is leaning against the wrong wall.
Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane. --June Henderson
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.
Be careful of your thoughts: They may become words at any moment.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. --Josh Billings
New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. --Webster's Unafraid
DictionaryWe learn from experience. A man never wakes up his second baby just to see it smile. --Grace Williams
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. --Rev. Larry Lorenzoni
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out, and your dog would go in. --Mark Twain
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. --Henny Youngman
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline Food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
American history
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate
And the Number one top OXY-Moron
Microsoft Works
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
All generalizations are false.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Change is inevitable, improvement is optional.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Born free...Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekashun.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Caution: I drive like you do.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell a man a bench has wet paint and he'll not believe you.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?
Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. -- Albert Einstein
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.