Humorous Computer Truths

It seems most jokes now are about Microsoft. When I broke into the game in the late 1960s, it was IBM and the seven Dwarves. However, universal truths are often recycled jokes.

New Windows Messages

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

  1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

  2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

  3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

  4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

  5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

  6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.

  7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

  8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

  9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

  10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

  11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

  12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

  13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

  14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

  15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

  16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

  17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

  18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

  19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

  20. User Error: Replace user.

  21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

  22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

  23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

  24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Microsoft-GM Exchange

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In a response to Bill Gates comments General Motors issued a press release by Mr. Welch himself, GM's CEO:"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

  5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought Car95 or CarNT, but then you would have to buy new seats.

  6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

  7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General car default" warning light.

  8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butts.

  9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure? before going off.

  10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

  11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally (a GM subsidiary) road maps even though they neither need them or want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

  12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

  13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Steve Stevenson
Last modified: Thu Jan 28 08:30:44 EST 1999