There is contradictory evidence on the wit of the one liner. I hear feminists say that one liners are funny to men because they're so simple. On the other hand, it's hard to not to laugh at so much wisdom compressed into one line. My backup is that I understand cartoonists believe that the epitome of their craft is the captionless cartoon.
That having been said, I think that one-liners are the epitome of natural language. Shakespeare said it best, "Brevity is the soul of wit." [Hamlet, II, ii, 90]. And I'll shut up so I'm not seen as witless.
The file through June, 2000.
The original file through December, 1999.
How to drive people insane. 6/27/00
For your kids 12/9/99
If you're having a bad day. 3/15/99
Admistratium and Bureaucratium.11/23/98
Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo" 2/8/99
Aphorisms for the 21st Century. 10/6/98
If you know these, you're probably old. 10/1/98
Rules for Writing ... NOT!8/5/98.
Orangutang Studies Humankind.7/27/98.
Foreign Ad Bloopers. 7/7/98
Chicken Quotes for Computers. 5/13/98
The Long Crash. 4/24/98
Well, maybe it is rocket science. 3/26/98
If The Four Donkeys of the Apocalypse are ignorance, stupidity, fear and greed, then the four managers of the Apocalypse must be Dilbert, Wally, Alice and Catbert. 3/12/98
It's All in your Point of View. 2/11/98
Procrastinator's Creed 1/19/98
Things kids can teach you. 1/2/98
Indications of "teacherhood" 12/8/97
Some fun trivia 11/14/97
One-trillionth of a surprise = 1 picaboo. 11/10/97 One kiloboo is enough to scare you to death. 11/01/97
Advances in Math 10/12/97
Putting Computer Errors in Perspective 9/26/97
An oldie about the Beatitudes 9/26/97
Why CEOs Make More Money Than You 9/26/97
Pseudo-Science Uncovered. 9/4/97
Humility with Reality. 9/2/97
Gene Pool Maintenance. 8/26/97
Heavy boots important to space travel. 8/26/97
Emo goes to school. 8/22/97
Test answers you hope you never see.
Is Hell endothermic or exothermic?
start the day without caffeine,
get going without pep pills,
always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
eat the same food everyday & be grateful for it,
understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
take criticism and blame without resentment,
ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
face the world without lies and deceit,
conquer tension without medical help,
sleep without the aid of drugs,
say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,
Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.
This file is a collection of quotations (attributed and otherwise) and humor that seems pertinent to educational endeavors. Please enjoy.
Susan Rappaport, SDSC
The Quote File, updated 4/1/98.
Accumulation of one liners 7/23/98
Most aphorisms can be told with good clean humor.
Charles Sykes is the author of "Dumbing Down Our Kids". He
volunteered for high school and college graduates a list of things he
did not learn in school. In his book, he talks about how the feel
good, politically correct garbage has created a generation of kids
with no concept of reality and set them up for failure in the real
Life is not fair. Get used to it. The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will
expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about
yourself. You will not make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high
school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you
"earn" both. If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He
doesn't have tenure. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents
had a different word for burger flipping; they called it
opportunity. If you screw up, it's not your parents fault so don't whine about
your mistakes. Learn from them. Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are
now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning your room, and
listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. So before you
save the rain forest from the bloodsucking parasites of your
parents generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life
has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades,
they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right
answer. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to
anything in real life. Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off,
and very few employers are interested in helping you find
yourself. Do that on your own time. Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to
leave the coffee shop and go to their jobs. [And real bullets kill.] Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. Smoking does not make you look cool. Watch an 11-year-old with a
butt in his mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20. Your school may be "outcome-based," but life isn't. In some
schools, you're given as many times as you want to get the answer
right. Standards are set low enough so everyone can meet them.
This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in
real life - as you will find out.
I wish I'd get this much thought....
Life is not fair. Get used to it.
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
You will not make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you "earn" both.
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
If you screw up, it's not your parents fault so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning your room, and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. So before you save the rain forest from the bloodsucking parasites of your parents generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades, they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to their jobs. [And real bullets kill.]
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Smoking does not make you look cool. Watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20.
Your school may be "outcome-based," but life isn't. In some schools, you're given as many times as you want to get the answer right. Standards are set low enough so everyone can meet them. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life - as you will find out.
A retiring Physical Chemistry professor was setting his last exam, for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored with it all, and with a well kept and wry sense of humour, he set a single question on the sheet: Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof. He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One A was awarded. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. The top student however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into Hell and at what rate are souls leaving?
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. There are two possible conditions.
One, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase exponentially until all Hell breaks loose.
Conversely, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over, condition two.
We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the girl who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with her, condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that condition one is true, and Hell is exothermic.
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not stable in free state.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin, Hydrogin is gin and water.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
H2O is hot water, CO2 is cold water.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
The moon is a planet like Earth, only it is even deader.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five-a, e, i, o, and u.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends toward the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
Equator: A managerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Magnet: Something you can find crawling over a dead cat.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.
To prevent contraception: Wear a condominium.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
I went to school, ya know. I went to grammar school and once we were taking a test and I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the teacher heard my xerox machine. She said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?," and I said, "Ah, yes and no." She sends me to the principal's office and I get there and sit down and he looks at me and says, "Emo, Emo, Emo." I said, "I'm the one in the middle, you drunken slob." He said, "Emo, how would you like to repeat the fifth grade?" I said, "I don't know if I could do it exactly, but I could try." He said, "I could expel you!" I said, "You'll have to catch and eat me first, ya wierdo." He said, "Emo, you'll have to see the school psychologist." And I said, "But why do I have to see the school psychologist?" So he shows me the petition. So I went to the psychologist and he says, "Emo, what does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Well, it's kind of embarassing." He said, "Emo, everyone sees something silly. Don't be embarassed. Tell me, what does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Well, uh, to me, um, it looks like, uh, standard pattern number 3 in the Rorshach series to test obsessive compulsiveness." And he got kind of depressed, so I said, "OK, it's a butterfly." And he cheered up. "And what does this inkblot look like?" I said it looks like a horrible, ugly blob of pure evil, that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degredation." He said, "No, uh the inkblots over there, that's a photo of my wife you're looking at." "Oh, was I far off?" He said, "No, that's the sad part." And he gave me a chocolate easter bunny and I ate the bunny, then I thought, hey, this isn't easter. "Is this a test?" And he said, "Yes." "And what does it mean?" He said, "Had you eaten the ears first you would have been normal. Had you eaten the feet first you would have had an inferiority complex. Had you eaten the tail first you would have had latent homosexual tendencies and had you eaten the breasts first you would have had a latent oedipal complex." "Well...go on, what does it mean when you bite out the eyes and scream 'stop staring at me?'" He said, "It means you have a tendency towards self destruction." I said, "Well, what do you recommend?" He said, "Go for it."
About 6-7 years ago, I was in a philosophy class at the University of Wisconsin, Madison (good science/engineering school) and the teaching assistant (TA) was explaining Descartes. He was trying to show how things don't always happen the way we think they will and explained that, while a pen always falls when you drop it on Earth, it would just float away if you let go of it on the Moon.
My jaw dropped a little. I blurted "What?!" Looking around the room, I saw that only my friend Mark and one other student looked confused by the TA's statement. The other 17 people just looked at me like "What's your problem?"
"But a pen would fall if you dropped it on the Moon, just more slowly" I protested.
"No it wouldn't," the TA explained calmly, "because you're too far away from the Earth's gravity."
Think. Think. Aha! "You saw the APOLLO astronauts walking around on the Moon, didn't you?" I countered. "Why didn't they float away?" "Because they were wearing heavy boots," he responded, as if this made perfect sense (remember, this is a Philosophy TA who's had plenty of logic classes).
By then I realized that we were each living in totally different worlds, and did not speak each others language, so I gave up. As we left the room, my friend Mark was raging. "How can all those people be so stupid?!"
I tried to be understanding. "Mark, they knew this stuff at one time, but it's not part of their basic view of the world, so they've forgotten it. Most people could probably make the same mistake."
To prove my point, we went back to our dorm room and began randomly selecting names from the campus phone book. We called about 30 people and asked each this question:
1. If you're standing on the Moon holding a pen, and you let go, will it a) float away, b) float where it is, or c) fall to the ground?
About 47 percent got this question correct. Of the ones who got it wrong, we asked the obvious follow-up question:
2. You've seen films of the APOLLO astronauts walking around on the Moon, why didn't they fall off?
About 20 percent of the people changed their answer to the first question when they heard this one! But the most amazing part was that about half of them confidently answered, "Because they were wearing heavy boots."
I think I've finally figured out the real problem with the world today is and possibly a way to solve it. See, if you are to look anywhere (say, near the sharp blade spinning at high speed under the lawnmower) there's a little sign that says "Caution: This sharp blade spinning at high speed is a sharp blade spinning at high speed. Do not try and lick it," or something very similar at any rate. I propose that all these warning signs have, over the years, poisoned the gene pool. Gee, Paul, I guess you SHOULDN'T go after your gum you dropped in the threshing machine because that sign says it's a bad idea! Then Paul, who should have died then, continues forward through life, possibly even breeding! This is not the way everything was intended to unfold! IT'S LIKE TOYING WITH FATE.
Solution: All we've got to do is remove every one of these signs and let the gene pool clean itself out.
Here's to a better tomorrow!
Townsend, the developer of the laser, was once asked if he didn't have a tremendous sense of achievement in all he had accomplished with his invention; such as methods for precision measurements, laser disc, weapons technology, etc.
He remarked not really, he said that he could easily identify with the beaver and relayed the following story.
The beaver and chipmunk happened upon the Hoover Dam while out strolling one day. They were caught off-guard, completely overwhelmed with amazement and awe at the size and magnificence of this structure.
Once the beaver recovered, he remarked, "Well, actually, I didn't build it myself, but it's based upon an idea of mine."
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide" And for plenty of good reasons, since:
it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting,
it is a major component in acid rain,
it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state,
accidental inhalation can kill you,
it contributes to erosion,
it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes, and
it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical dihydrogen monoxide. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical is more commonly called "water." The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" The conclusion is obvious.
In case you've ever wondered why ignorance rises to the executive level, here is a simple explanation that is also a mathematical proof.
By direct observation:
Now, take the limit of Money as Knowledge goes to zero. This is
infinity for any finite amount of Work. Therefore, as one rises
through the hierarchy one can expect incalculable wealth.
An Oldie about the Beatitudes
Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and, gathering them around him, he taught them, saying:
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.
Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?" And Andrew said, "Do we have to write this down?" And James said, "Is this examinable?" And Phillip said, "Is there an answer guide in the library?" And Bartholomew said, "What came after poor?" And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this!" And Mark said, "Don't take the overhead off yet." And Matthew went to the bathroom.
One of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan and inquired of Jesus, "Where are your anticipatory set and your objectives in the cognitive domain?"
...And Jesus wept.
Two men were examining the output of the new computer in their department. Eventually one of them remarked: "Do you realize it would take 400 men 250 years to make a mistake this big?"
1950s: A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price. What is his profit? What percentage of his selling price is his profit?
1960s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price or $8. What is his profit?
1970s: (new math) A farmer exchanges a set (P) of potatoes for a set (M) of money ($10). Draw a circle with 10 dots in it to represent set M. The set C is the set of costs to grow the potatoes ($8). Draw a circle with 8 dots in it to represent set C. How many more dots are in set M than in set C?
1980s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His cost to grow the potatoes is $8 and his profit is $2. Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss with your friends.
1990s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. Her production costs are 0.80 of her revenue. On your calculator, run the "POTATO PROFIT" program to determine her profit. Write a brief essay describing why this problem is personally meaningful to you and how it contributes to an understanding of cultural diversity.
In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo"
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.
The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
The Bible has been translated into Klingon.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 5 pitches.
Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.
Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Five Jello flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.
According to one study, 24% of Iawns have some sort of lawn ornament in their yard.
Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in history.
You can converse in middle schoolease.
Your last nerve is a distant memory...
Every day is a bad hair day.
You find humor in public parental discipline.
You worry about getting sued for self-esteem violations.
You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt licks.
You stand on your front porch instructing the neighbor children to "Walk!"
Junior Highers make you feel old but you could not be paid to be that age again...
You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to only work 8 - 3 and have your summers free."
You refer to adults as "boys and girls".
You encourage your husband by telling him he is a "good helper".
You believe chocolate is a major food group.
You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."
When you are out in public you snap your fingers at children who are misbehaving.
You give your husband "the look" when he "misbehaves."
You have no life from August through June.
Putting all A's on the report card would be so much easier.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce, earned by having worked in a middle school for 5 years.
You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.
You can't have children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
You think that caffeine should be available in I V form.
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like that?"
It's more fun to color outside the lines.
If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
Ask why until you understand.
Hang on tight.
Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
Make up the rules as you go along.
It doesn't matter who started it.
Ask for sprinkles.
If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
Save a place in line for your friends.
Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.
Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
Making your bed is a waste of time.
There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.
You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack.
"Don`t Panic," cried Harold heroically. "I`ll land this baby!"
Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground. Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed, "Red lights!! Right in front of you!"
Immediately Harold threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the breaks, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights.
"Brother!" he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!"
"Yeah," agreed Al, looking side to side, "but look how WIDE it is!"
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens lat the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."
A Huey Cobra practicing auto rotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tail boom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks. As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard:
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!"
Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ...
C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.
THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
G3 300 MHz Chicken: It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken.
Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Intel Pentium Chicken: The chicken crossed 4.9999999978 times.
Iomega Chicken: The chicken should have backed up before crossing.
Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.)
Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!
Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.
Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!
NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.
OS/ 8.1 HFS+ Chicken: It had much more free space to cross.
Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.
VB Chicken: USHighways!
Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Windows 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.
Windows 98 Chicken: It should have expected to cause a crash while crossing.
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la," meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le," translating into "happiness in the mouth."
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)
My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The H.R. Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "Lucent Technologies is endeavouringly determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
We've all had bosses who were fond of those inspirational posters that are supposed to make us work harder and not complain about pay. Here are some sayings we'd all really like to see printed on those posters.
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a better job ... someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
If you think we're a bad company, you should see our competition.
Rome didn't create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those that opposed them.
We put the "k" in "kwality".
Two days without a human rights violation.
Your job is still better than asking, "You want fries with that?"
We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Pride. Commitment. Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization."
You refer to dating as test marketing.
You can spell "paradigm."
You actually know what a paradigm is.
You understand your airline's fare structure.
You write executive summaries on your love letters.
Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don't know.
You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line."
You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's butts."
You actually believe your explanation in number 14.
You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."
You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
You insist on doing some more market research before you and your spouse have another child.
At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.
You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
You give constructive feedback to your dog.
Are you feeling old? If not, consider this:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and do not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has only been one Pope. They can only really remember one president.
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not remember the Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
CCCP is just a bunch of letters.
They have only known one Germany.
They are too young to remember the Space shuttle blowing up, and Tienamin Square means nothing to them.
They do not know who Moamar Qadafi is.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
They never had a Polio shot, and likely, do not know what it is.
Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic.
They have no idea what a pull top can looks like.
Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record Player.
They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never heard of Pong.
"Star Wars" looks very fake and the special effects are pathetic.
There have always been Red M&M's, and Blue ones are not new. "What do you mean there used to be beige ones?"
They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one.
The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
Zip codes have always had a dash in them.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what Beta is.
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
They have never heard of King Cola, Burger Chef, The Globe Democrat, Pan AM or Ozark Airlines.
The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
They have never seen and remember a game that included the St. Louis Football Cardinals, the Baltimore Colts, the Minnesota North Stars, the Kansas City Kings, the New Orleans Jazz, The Minnesota Lakers, The Atlanta Flames, or the Denver Rockies (NHL Hockey, that is) They do not consider the Colorado Rockies, the Florida Marlins, The Florida Panthers, The Ottawa Senators, the San Jose Sharks, or the Tampa Bay Lightning "expansion teams".
They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a Football player.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII or even the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard the terms "Where's the beef?", "I'd Walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, de plane!".
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
The Cosby Show, The Facts of Life, Silver Spoons, The Love Boat, Miami Vice, WKRP in Cincinnati, and Taxi are shows they have likely never seen.
The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
They cannot remember the Cardinals ever winning a World Series, or even being in one.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not musical groups.
McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
Be more or less specific.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
No sentence fragments.
Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
One should NEVER generalize.
Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
Don't use no double negatives.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be ignored.
Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
Kill all exclamation points!!!
Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
Puns are for children, not groan readers.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when I had to build the ark.
Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
Build on high ground.
For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Two heads are better than one.
Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
If you can't fight or flee -- float!
Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel!!!
Stay below deck during the storm.
Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
Don't miss the boat.
No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
On a ski lift in Taos, NM: "No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted."
Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.
HEY, Life is still not fair for the guys...Found in a restaurant in England: Guys: No shirt, No service Girls: No shirt, No charge
Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus (translation of the Greek): "Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice"
MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but... A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads: "Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!"
Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: restrooms <----- Please wait for hostess to seat you.
Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT: Bingo Friday night at 8:00pm Quickies Thursday at 7:30pm.
Seen in a health food store_ "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot"
"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."
I went to a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant: "Women are not served here... You have to bring your own."
Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch. --Dave James
Let face facts, shall we? There is a very real possibility that this could also be the *last* day of the rest of your life. --Dave Henry
Sometimes I think astronauts are the luckiest people on earth, but only when they're in space. --Alan Smithee
I think it says a lot about our nation's skewed priorities that we give the President the unbridled authority to preempt any television program, even during prime-time. --Matt Diamond
If at first, you don't succeed, does it depress you that no one is surprised? --Jim Lockwood
I'm glad the electric chair is the only method of capital punishment that involves powered furniture. Just imagine being executed by an adjustable bed. --Paul Paternoster
Whenever someone asks me what two plus two equals, I just shake my head and laugh at them for asking such a dumb question, even though I really don't know the answer. What gullible fools. --Will Gillespie
I think gods don't smite people anymore because people of many different religions now live in the same town. No god wants to accidentally smite the wrong person and get sued by another god. --David James
Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a stop light, I imagine myself as Luke Skywalker, and I close my eyes and concentrate on using The Force. Sometimes I have to concentrate longer than others, but I know it works, 'cause the light always turns green. --Troy Peterson
If I had a dollar for every casino in the world, I'd probably lose it all gambling. --Paul Bartunek
I've heard people say the electric chair is "cruel and unusual", but I think it's a lot quicker and more humane than its predecessor, the steam chair. --Claire Voltaire, inspired by Paul Paternoster
One day, I'm gonna finally get up enough courage to actually go skydiving, rather than just being thrown out of the plane like last time. --LeMel Hebert-Williams
I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach. --Bill Muse
They say potato chips can be fattening. But then again, so is eating fat, and you don't see me eating fat. So get off my back about the potato chips, man. --Brian Auten
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major US research university. The element, tentatively, named "ADMINISTRATIUM", appears to be very closely related to BUREAUCRATIUM - a known deadly poison.. " "ADMINISTRATIUM" has no protons or electrons and thus has anatomic number of O. Upon initial inspection, however, it does have:
125 assistant neutrons,
75 vice neutrons and
111 assistant vice neutrons,
These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called MORONS. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called PEONS.
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately THREE YEARS, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually INCREASES after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Insist that your e-mail address be: email@example.com
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
Put decaf in the coffee-maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Don't use any punctuation.
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Stomp on plastic ketchup packets.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Honk and wave at strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, then eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they did not send it to you and say "I have asked you not to send me stuff like this."